Some thoughts on King Kong 2005

It’s better with the sound off.

Only the parts on the boat and Skull Island are good, occasionally great.

The parts in New York mostly suck. Except when Kong sees the man he hates most in the world and tears up the theater. I liked that part.

Adrian Brody and Jack Black were annoyingly miscast. Especially when Jack was supposed to be saying something serious and I kept waiting for a punchline (that never came).

Where is Naomi Watts’ Oscar? She was great. Especially when you consider how much time she had to spend acting to a blue (green?) screen. There should be a special award for that – just double the usual awards and then have ones for above and beyond the call of duty. AND she can juggle.

The straps on her slip, the one she wears during the whole Kong-on-the-island section, must be made of some kind of titanium/aluminum mesh because I’ve had those kind of straps snap with considerably less mauling.

Also, based on the way she was tied up, her shoulders should have been at least dislocated, if her arms weren’t completely torn out of their sockets, when Kong grabs her from the altar.

Yes, this King Kong creature is great, no one would argue with that. Sappy, sometimes goofy, yes, but otherwise no one would care when he falls off the Empire State Building and dies. Oh no, I told you the ending, sorry.

After he grabs the blond, the first time he stops, and right before she stabs him with her necklace, what is Kong doing swinging her around like that? I’ve watched it several times and I’m still stumped.

The giant bug attack holds up over repeated viewings. The penis denta (denti?) slugs/leeches/bugs/whatever they were especially. When I saw it in the theater, the person I was with had to leave the room until it was over. It’s becoming one of my favorite scenes, really.

The dinosaur stampede in the canyon was pretty good, too.

Thomas Kretschmann, Andy Serkis, and Evan Parke were great.

There’s really no one in this story to hate whole heartedly. The vain leading man was a candidate, but even he had a heroic and redeeming moment.

I would have liked to have known more about the Skull Islanders than was in this picture. If this story must be remade, let’s make it about the Skull Islanders next time. There are ruins on the other side of the big wall, how advanced were the inhabitants and was Kong the only reason the structures outside the big wall were abandoned? Also, why have a giant wall with a giant door if giants weren’t coming and going through that door? How is the loss of Kong going to impact their lives? Why can’t we have this story told where the movie crew’s ship visit and Kong snatching are incidental to the story? Possibly I think about these things too much, but that’s a film I’d happy pay LA prices to see.

The Skull Islander pole vaulting or poling or whatever it’s called his way across the rocks to the ship was awesome. I’m telling you, there’s much more than we get to know about the inhabitants of Skull Island. (There’s also got to be a fantasy novel in this, somebody please write it. We’ve had “The Wind Done Gone,” where is “Kong with the Wind”? Thank you in advance.)

In Kong’s cave, there seems to be three (four?) skeletons of a previous Kongs. This makes me wonder: where do little Kongs come from? Are there female Kongs somewhere?

Thomas Kretschmann, as the ship’s captain, would have been a better romantic lead than Adrian Brody. Nothing against A Brody, but, in my opinion, he was just one actor and character too many.

What terrible full-body whiplash Ann Darrow must have had when it was all over.

Did we really need another telling of this story?

I dunno, maybe we did need another one after the 1976 one, which was, as I now recall, bizarre and cheesy on far too many levels. At least Dwan in the 1976 one got to be all doped up before she got tied up.

What I need is a live action Captain Harlock.

Or a good remake of the Golden Voyage of Sinbad.

Oh well.

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